What if Santa Clause was Santa Bob?

What if Santa Clause had been named Santa Bob?

My daughter, known for her brilliant questions, asked me this the other day. It made me think.

What if Santa Clause was named Santa Bob? What if Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer was actually Reginald with the mild allergies Reindeer? What if Jesus Christ had been named Gilbert Dorfman? So many traditions would be different. For one, it wouldn’t be Christmas, it would be Dorfmas; also, the songs would be a little different.

I can hear the Dorfmas carolers now…..

Here comes Santa Bob,

Here comes Santa Bob,

Right down Santa Bob Lane….

Followed by….

Reginald with the mild allergies Reindeer

Had a very loud sounding sneeze,

And if you ever heard it

You would yell shut-it-up please .

And wrapping up the caroling would be the famous…

Oh Dorfmas Tree

Oh Dorfmas Tree….

Wow, this name thing could have deep implications. People would be visiting Santa Bob at the mall while picking up Dorfmas presents. People would be waiting by the window hoping their loved ones returned in time for Dorfmas.

There would be Dorfmas traditions including a Dorfmas turkey with all the trimmings, Dorfmas cards sitting on the mantle, and an annual family Dorfmas picture.

In the background of every home you would hear strains of “I’m Dreaming of a White Dorfmas” coming from the radio. When people stubbed their toes while bringing in Dorfmas presents from the car, they would yell out Gilbert Dorfman ! Names, it seems, are important.

I remember when our daughter was born and we were trying to find the perfect name for her. We must have looked at every name in every name book ever written. The name had to fit her . The meaning had to be beautiful . Finally, when she was twelve we gave in and named her Chelsea. It means boat port, but we were tired. She’s a little miffed that her name doesn’t mean “grace” or “kind hearted“ or “she-who-will-be-queen-of-the-universe” but she is happy we stopped calling her “hey you”.

There are tons of names through history that I believe make the person-or animal memorable. If the names of famous people throughout history had been different, we would be calling them different names today. Or, in the case of some, perhaps not even noticing them at all.

What if Joseph Stalin had been Johnny Rosebud? What if Adolf Hitler had been Bernard Finklestein? Well, actually with a name like Finklestein, it wouldn’t have gone well for him. What if he had been named Pimpleboogersnot? Can you imagine people lining up, saluting in unison and chanting Heil Pimpleboogersnot !?

Yeah, that doesn’t work for me. Odds are, it wouldn’t have worked for the Germans either.

If Bambi the cute little deer had been Barney, if Barney the purple dinosaur had been George, and God forbid, if George the monkey had been Bernice, I believe there is a movie, a TV show, and a book that we would never have the pleasure (or horror) of knowing (or having to deal with). I only wish Tele Tubbies had been named Rolly Polly Unintelligible Guys That You Don’t Want To Emulate. Age 3-6 with my kid would have been much easier.

There’s the childhood classic tales that may not have been so classic had they been named differently. Would anyone have bothered to read Snow Yellow and the Seven Little People? If Cinderella had been named Bootsie, would anyone have cared about her plight? If Aladdin had been Chad Wadingsworth III would we have been happy or sad that he found the Magic Lamp?

Then, of course you have Mickey Mouse, (god forbid he’d been named Ethan), Daffy Duck (Gerald) and lord help us all if Bugs Bunny had gone with the first draft of Insect Rabbit .

Wow. This Santa Bob question is certainly a tough one. The implications are endless. I think I’ll just go listen to some Dorfmas music and sleep on it.