How to Lose Weight and Not Gain it Back
The best way to lose weight and keep it off is to....
Die.
Seriously. Once you’re dead your body will rapidly begin to throw off fat. I challenge you to find an obese corpse. Since your appetite is pretty much non-existent at this point, I feel extremely confident in saying your fat will not be coming back.
If this is too drastic a step for you, then perhaps you’d like to take up smoking heavily. 6 packs a day should do it. NO?
Toxic waste. Swim in toxic waste. Being seriously ill will usually knock off a few pounds. The down side is that often you end up dead. This would be OK, except there’s that whole, “I’m too dead to go shopping for new, prettier clothes” thing. Maybe we should skip the toxic waste and/or chain smoking.
Are you sure you really want to lose weight and keep it off? Are you sure you don’t just want to buy bigger clothes that fit loosely and feel better about yourself? No? Ok, then on we go….
The next thing you should try if the above two ideas aren’t your cup of tea, is the potato diet. All potatoes all the time. You may plop butter, sour cream, cheese, chives, guacamole, chocolate candies, etc. on top. Pile them high with ice-cream for all I care, just make sure to eat a baked potato every time you are hungry. You may not eat anything else. Everything you eat must be in or on the baked potato. Within weeks, if not days, you’ll be so sick of the baked potato that you’ll find your appetite dwindling. Do not give in to the temptation to begin drinking heavily as this may offset the progress you’ve been making with the baked potatoes.
If baked potatoes aren’t your thing, you could always exercise, but that would just make you hungry. I don’t recommend going that route. Exercise could also make you feel good about yourself. Everyone knows that fat people are jolly… it’s a short road from exercise to obesity.
If potatoes, chain smoking, exercising and dying are all options you’d rather not try, there is one option left.
Surgery.
The surgeon will suck out your fat and cut off most of your stomach. You can eat, but it will be torturous. You may even wish you were dead. At that point, I’ll say I told you so. If you’d just gone with option one in the first place you could have saved yourself all of this torment. As it is, the surgeon is happy, he can now vacation in the Bahamas with his genetically thin wife. You will never be genetically thin. You will never vacation in the Bahamas.
Now that you realize this, you may be ready for some serious dieting. Can we at least go back to option two. If you smoke enough, you can drink as well and still lose weight. Just don’t eat, unless it’s toxic waste. By now you’re probably too depressed to eat anyway.
There. Now you can’t eat. See what I’ve done. Bookmark this page and read it every day.
You will lose weight and never gain it back.
You are so welcome.
