Dumb and Dumber Laws in the U.S. Part-5. The penalty for jumping off of a building is death.

We've made it to the N's. Is anyone carsick? Would you like to stop and walk around a bit? Sissy! Suck it up, we're moving on.

New Jersey:

It is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder.

What happened? I was there the day the idea for this law came about. It was a very pleasant day in downtown, New Jersey. Ok, so I’m lying, it’s never pleasant in downtown New Jersey, but it was a day, and the day was pleasant.

It was pleasant, that is, until the hotdog vendor gave the woman in front of me a hot dog with residual mustard transferred from the hot dog before hers, to the vendor’s glove, to her hot dog. This woman, as it happened, was with the undercover hotdog police. The hotdog police are an elite group of policemen and policewomen who take down vendors for just this sort of thing. (They alternate shifts with the mattress police)

She, of course, instructed the vendor to put his mustardy hands in the air, and whipped out her handcuffs. Instead of putting his hands in the air, he grabbed her buns. She was so angry, that she tore off all of her clothes. She then began to smash the vendor on the head with her hotdog. Had it been a fresh hotdog, the vendor might have survived, it was, however, far from fresh.

The people gathered round, as did the lawmakers. They watched as the woman bludgeoned the vendor with her hotdog while wearing nothing but her bulletproof vest.

She was a very good-looking woman. The lawmakers decided that if anything like this were to happen again it would be much more pleasant for all the bystanders if she weren’t wearing that unattractive vest.

One more for New Jersey:

In Bernard’s Township it is illegal to frown as the town is a “Frown-free-zone”.

What happened? Bernard Township volunteered to be the “test site” for communism. Good job guys.

New Mexico:

Idiots may not vote.

What happened? This is an awesome law. It’s easy to imagine what happened. The real question here is, “Why did they stop enforcing this law?”

New York:

The next two laws have to be put together; only then will we get a decent picture of the mindset of New Yorkers.

Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

AND

It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing”.

What happened? At first glance this looks to be inconsistent. This is not the case. The problem here occurred when Bridget Bigboobs suffered a heart attack while walking down the street. She died. Everyone loved Bridget Bigboobs, and felt in their hearts that she could have been saved. The problem came about because she was in a tight-fitting leotard and her boobs were so large that the paramedics couldn't get to the vital area necessary to perform CPR. Had she been wearing loose clothing, or better yet, had she been topless, she might be alive today.

Here's another law from New York.

The penalty for jumping off of a building in New York, is death.

What happened? Seeing how these laws came from men who pondered this for a very long time I could only come to one conclusion. Ambulances were too expensive and time consuming. By inflicting the death penalty upon anyone who survived the jump, there was never a need to call 911. All cops carry sledgehammers. No muss, no fuss. A guy jumps. The cops race to the scene. Is the jumper alive? No need to even ask the question. A few whacks with the sledgehammer, maybe a few more if it's been a particularly rough day, (or if the guy is still twitching), call the morgue, and haul the body away. You really can't get more efficient.

North Carolina:

Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.

What happened? Well, obviously, the citizens in North Carolina were using elephants to plow all those cotton fields down there. The elephants were partiers; the peanut farmers were not amused.

North Dakota:

It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

What happened? Isn’t it obvious? Sam Sweats fell asleep one day with his shoes on. He fell asleep on top of an overpass. As it happens, Sam sweats a lot. When Sam fell asleep, the shoes slipped off and fell onto the road beneath the overpass. The 50-car pileup took two weeks to clear from the road. The shoes themselves weren’t the problem- did I mention that Sam’s sweat stunk. It stunk really, really bad. The pileup came from people trying to evade the shoes. Everyone knew that whoever ran over the shoes would never, ever get that smell out of their car. This wasn’t the first time Sam had fallen asleep up on that overpass; but the lawmakers made sure it was the last.

I was going to write a law from Ohio, but upon closer inspection, I see Ohio has cornered the market in dumb laws. They need a little more space than I’m willing to give them at this time.

Until next time, keep your shirt on- or don’t, and always remember, friends don’t let friends who are idiots vote.