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Daily Weird #40 A toilet you can live on!
77
A Throne Fit For a Queen
I want a toilet. An awesome toilet; one that is not built just to sit in my bathroom and wait to be used. I want a toilet that I can have in the living room, in my bedroom, or even in the corner nook in my kitchen. It has to be a toilet that won’t draw ridicule or tittering. It has to be bold, beautiful, entertaining- a conversation piece.
I want the new toilet from Kohler. The Numi. The name really says it all. With the Numi, I would feel like a new me! I could walk up to the toilet and it would know what I wanted before I spoke a word. The sensors in Numi would open up the lid and beckon me to sit and experience a world I have never known.
Once I sit on this bold new masterpiece and load it up with what my body chose not to use from my lunch, I can reach down, adjust the wand on the bidet, plug in my MP3 player and fantasize that I’m Queen of the Toilets. I would be on my porcelain throne, and I would dare anyone to try and overthrow me!
When it got dark, I wouldn’t care. I would just read my “How to rule from your throne” book by the illuminated side panels.
There would be no chafing as the bidet wand also has a drying function. I wonder if it has an infinite loop setting. Spray, dry, spray, dry…. it would be like a day spa for my derrière!
With the Numi, I wouldn’t have to concern myself with needing to run from the toxic waste smell I sometimes exude… nope, this baby comes with a deodorizer. A charcoal deodorizer. That means I’m putting a miner to work every time I use the bathroom. I’ll be helping the economy on a global scale. I feel awesome about myself already!
I can also feel good about how I’ll be helping the environment. This baby has a low-flow flush for those times when a tinkle is all you have to contribute, and a full-on power flush for times when you’ve left a little something sitting below your bum that you’d much rather have floating out to sea. I believe there’s even a crew of miniature sailors who help load the log onto the “out to sea” barge.
If you think winter and it’s chilliness will get me off of my throne, think again! There’s a heater to warm my seat, and a heater to warm my feet.
I know once I get this bad boy, I’m sitting down and never getting up. Of course, I don’t want to spend my life in my bathroom. Thanks to the awesome design of the Numi, I can live on the throne, but not in the bathroom! The Numi looks somewhat like a huge copier. This means I can place it in my home as I see fit. If anyone asks why I’m sitting on a toilet in my kitchen, I can tell them I’m not using the toilet (gross) I’m just doing a bit of butt copying. Everyone understands the need for copying your bum.
I have it all figured out. Now I just have to wait until this fall when Kohler starts selling the Numi… well, that, and I have to come up with 6,390 dollars. Does anyone want to donate to my throne? It’s a completely worthy cause.
For more on the ultimate toilet....
- Life Inc. - $6,390 toilet is fit for a king
This throne is designed for the king of the house who has everything. Kohler's stylish $6,390 Numi commode will, as the company's website says, "bring you the finest in personal comfort and cleansing." Not convinced you need one? We will let the feat - Kohler - numi
- Kohler - numi
- Life Inc. - $6,390 toilet is fit for a king
This throne is designed for the king of the house who has everything. Kohler's stylish $6,390 Numi commode will, as the company's website says, "bring you the finest in personal comfort and cleansing." Not convinced you need one? We will let the feat
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This awesome hub leaves me simply flushed:-))
Susan- This IS the gift for the person who has everything. Really, though, you deserve one for yourself!
Thanks for hitting those buttons! You'd be a natural on the Numi!
Mentalist- usually I would believe you, but today, I just think you're handing me a load of crap. :O)
The nightmare becomes real!:
You find yourself sitting on a toilet in the living room with your pants around your ankles as a party swirls around you, wondering how in the world that happened!
Gahhhh!
And I thought my hydraulic seat toilet was a brilliant idea. Where have I been?
As you are the Queen, SueRoy, you must levy taxes to pay for your toilet. Send the tax collectors out. Although, if you can afford to pay for the horses and other material, I hardly see where you actually need to collect taxes.
Does it have an air mattress too? For sleeping?
Will- You are SO right! All I have to do is bring this toilet to the mall and BAM! Nightmare in living color!
BreakfastPop- you've been busy keeping us up to date on how to get the crap out of our government! No fancy toilets needed. :)
Austin- I will still need money to feed the horses.
No there's no air mattress, but with a heated seat, speakers and mp3 player on top of having your tush constantly cleaned and blown dry... who needs a mattress? I'll just lean my head on my kitchen counter. :)
I'm laughing so hard I can't even typ...........
Sue,
Add a fridge and a big screen TV and your husband will be the happiest man in the world...
That is just too funny. I really want to know who comes up with these things... lol
No library! Forget it, i'm going to invent a strap on one, oh someone beat me to it with the nappy. I'd need a toilet after reading the price tag. You are a silly sausage, but don't we love these delightful hubs, i'd like to give you a perfect ten, but can only manage a number two. Cheers from Oz.
Susan, you have outdone yourself with this hub. I am actually laughing out loud. Why? Because as preposterous as it seems, it will sell! Someday there will be a version in your local discount stores. That will be the real test...does it sell then? Or just smell?
Great job.
Voted up and funny (very funny)
Poorconservative- I LOVE it when I make you laugh! I swear to God your laugh is so infectious, I laugh just because I know YOU'RE laughing!!!
Thank you for that!!!!
Chris- do you know me at all??? This is totally MY dream. I also want an X-box 360 while I'm dreaming.
I like to play Fable. I get my character to marry a bunch of people, then when they start whining and wanting stuff I take them out to Bandit's Cove and then... oops, they get killed by bandits.
Since it's not my fault, my moral numbers stay high.
I think maybe my husband should keep ME very, very happy. :)
Barbergirl- I KNOW! I totally want this job.
"Hey guys, I want you to put your heads together and design the perfect crapper."
BooYa!!
Pizza, beer, and toilet design.
Other than writing humor columns for a living, I just can't imagine a better job!
spotonhumor-number two! Roflpp (That's Realho's acronym. It stands for rolling on floor laughing & peeing pants- which means your number two made me number one!)
If you think about it, the nappy could actually be marketed to sell to the high class crowd as well.
"Hate to take time to do your poo? No worries. With Nappy, you can go anytime, anywhere. No more having to leave during ball games! No more excusing yourself in the middle of a great date! Best of all, no more having to get up from your computer. With Nappy, your time is your own."
(we do suggest frequent changes or loss of friends may occur..)
PixieNot- I definitely think it would sell! If I were rich beyond belief (your belief AND mine!) I would totally buy this.
Look at the picture. It really does look like a copier! I would put it in my living room and just wait to see what people said!
It's probably just as well I'm poor as dirt, I would cause SO MUCH trouble as a rich person.
Sue - my stomach is starting to hurt a little bit from laughing! I really hope your new bad boy doesn't try to overthrow you! Yes, see put it in the living room (where else? Where you do your living and writing hubs) and you can be with the family and carry on - business as usual!
I hope that your pot never runith over!
Haha funny Hub! I once had a dream when I was like 7 about a toilet like that, where I could have it in the sitting room. Finally my dreams have come true!
This commode sure beats the hell outta that Lazy Boy Recliner I've been coveting. Park that puppy opposite a 50 inch flat screen and in reach of the mini-frig and there goes the weekend!
Thanks for the info and the laughs.
CP
Realho- My pot runnething over never occurred to me! I hope this bad boy comes with a golden self-cleaning plunger! A phone for calling in pizza orders would be nice too...
Clara- if you dreamt about this crapper-of-perfection when you were 7, you may be entitled to some royalty fees! I'd ask for a lifetime supply of toilet paper.
Most of my dreams that involved a toilet in a room outside of the lavatory included me waking up screaming NOOOOOOOO! I love that you have such a healthy self-esteem!
Christopher- Lazy boys are nice, but you are right, they aren't quite as full service as the Numi!
I like your idea. When I'm rich I'll just buy 13 or 14 of these. You will be invited over for nascar race watching, beer drinking, and pizza eating. We may even play a little poker if I can find a big enough table. I wonder if these things can come with wheels?
We could all just wheel ourselves to the poker table, then to the pizza table, then back to the TV and mini fridge when the race gets exciting!
I'm giddy!! I hope I get rich soon!!!
@Clara - lol! Usually I would say follow your dreams! Haha! Now I'm falling out of the chair!
@Sue - pizza phone? I wanna potty at your house!
If we ever meet, we can exchange potty tales, mine the grim reality, yours the fantasy fun! Wouldn't it be nice to be rich!
Realho- EVERYONE wants to potty in my house! I'm very popular that way.
I have three dogs they like to potty, can they come too?
Realho- as long as they bring their potty hats!
I like those cute little dog diapers. They don't fit me too good though:)!
This was a good article. I loved it!
Thank you. I have a cut out of this toilet on my fridge. Some people have dream homes, some have dream cars... I have the dream toilet.
Wow...good read!!! That toilet does look like a copier or something to behead body parts...LOL! Fun hub!!!
Thanks! I still want one! I have a place set out in my living room. I have a copier there now. It makes me feel better.
Just Ask Susan Level 8 Commenter 13 months ago
Thanks so much now I know what to get for Kate and Prince William. May have to sell a few things first though before I buy it. Awesome, funny, could be useful too oh ya and UP.